Enjoy!
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting a round waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night, while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to
live off the Conservatives, by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's, and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "Girliemen".
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic v oting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the Elephant. Liberals are symbolized
by the Jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are Liberals. Liberals invented the" designated hitter rule" because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally, anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may ha ve a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more Liberals, just to piss them off.
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can
were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting a round waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night, while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to
live off the Conservatives, by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's, and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
became known as "Girliemen".
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
Democratic v oting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the Elephant. Liberals are symbolized
by the Jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are Liberals. Liberals invented the" designated hitter rule" because it
wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally, anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may ha ve a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more Liberals, just to piss them off.
