The Joke thread!

[Bill Kratzenberg]

A little old lady always wanted to join a biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door.

A big,hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She announces, "I want to join your club."

The biker is ammused, but says she needs to meet certain requirements in order to join. He asks "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there," and points to the harley in the driveway.

The biker asks "do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks "do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies "Yep...smoke like a chimmney. At least four packs a day and a couple cigars in the evening when i'm shootin pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "last question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and replies, Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples once or twice".

The biker say's "your in."

 

[4gasem]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE:
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS D.D.S. DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?":biglaugh:

 

[4gasem]

Dear Donna,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
Has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when ask
their names
she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
Usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs
so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home
from a night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was
buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of
her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that
The graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right
by the club head

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro
shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Herb:rofl_200::clapping:

 

[4gasem]

This one made me laugh out loud!:biglaugh:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on
the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[Rusty McNeil]

Little Johny is walking through the house when he hears some noises coming from his parents bedroom. He walks in and sees his Dad with his mom bent over the foot of the bed slamming the meat to his Mommy.

His dad makes eye contact with little Johny,smiles and winks at him. Johny runs out.

When he's done with the Mom the Dad goes to check on Little Johny only to find him in his Grandmothers room with Granny bent over the dresser slamming his little pecker into granny and twisting the nipples on her saggy old tits. Shocked Dad yells "Johny, what the fuck are you doing?"

Johny smiles at his dad and says, 'See, it's not so damn funny when it's your mother is it?"

 

[Neil-3446]

Q: Do you know why Michael Jackson loves twenty eight year olds???
































A: Because there's 20 of them :rofl_200:

 

[Bill Kratzenberg]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man shyly walked into Macy's and to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," she said, pointing to a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, there are only four types of bras."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one do you prefer?"

Totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences. The Saleslady responded, "It's simple... "

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C , D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

And the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen

 

[clintard]

Q. What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

A. Quarter pounder with cheese!

-----------------------------------------------

Q. What the fastest animal on earth?

A. The ethiopian chicken!

-----------------------------------------------

Q. How do you find out where to stick it in a 400 pound woman?

A. Flip through the folds till you find one that smells like ass, then go back one!

 

[project1972]

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad
passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard
and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he
was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why
neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
any more.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Smith

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter

 

[4gasem]

Nine Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

 

[Bill Kratzenberg]

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A brunette with bad breath...

 

[maleko89]

Inspirational

If this doesn't touch you there is something wrong...

I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.

I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy. An image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all. All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

 

[82ndCowboy]

Inspirational

If this doesn't touch you there is something wrong...

I seldom pass along inspirational stuff, but this one got to me.

I believe, in these difficult and mean-spirited times in which we live, there needs to be a message of Hope.

We can all use a single image that speaks to us of love, harmony, peace, and joy. An image that suggests the universality of us all.

I have been sent that image, and I want to share it with you all. All I ask that all of you take a moment to reflect on it.

Yuppers! That is a sign Mark!
Hate to rain on your rainbow... but I saw the same picture years ago, except instead of a beer store they had the same kind of inspirational message with a titty bar at the end of the rainbow.

unk:

 

[maleko89]

Please find and post that 82nd. Me would likey.....

 

[82ndCowboy]

Please find and post that 82nd. Me would likey.....

Ummm I don't think I can Mark, that was back in ancient dial up times, when Compuserv and AOL were the only internet connection (pay by the minute) you could get.

Man we've come a long way!

 

[Buster Hymen]

Ummm I don't think I can Mark, that was back in ancient dial up times, when Compuserv and AOL were the only internet connection (pay by the minute) you could get.

Man we've come a long way!

<evil idea> :hmmm: ... pay by the minute.... </ evil idea>

 

[dannymax]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something
she seemed to love to do.


Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'


She replied, 'Because I really miss mine. :bang head:

dan

 

[Buster Hymen]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something
she seemed to love to do.


Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'


She replied, 'Because I really miss mine. :bang head:

dan

AHAHAAHA! Shit, that made me spit beer on my keyboard! LOL...:rofl_200:

 

[82ndCowboy]

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something
she seemed to love to do.


Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'


She replied, 'Because I really miss mine. :bang head:

dan

EEEewwwwwwwwee!!!!

LOL!

 

[vmaxride06]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked,
"Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.