The Joke thread!

[dannymax]

A touching story on how men think


[FONT=&quot]As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When I got fired, you were there to support me. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When my business failed, you were there. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When I got shot, you were by my side. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When we lost the house, you stayed right here. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When my health started failing, you were still by my side... [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]You know what Martha?" [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]"I'm beginning to think you're fucking bad luck."[/FONT]

 

[Foxviewnet]

Wet Floor!

Watch out for the wet floor!

 

[Rollie]

Seniors.....

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left
them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My
wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's
ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked
around the parking lot, I realized she was right. The parking lot
was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my
location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had
been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife:"I left my
keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been
disconnected, but then I heard her voice. "Are you kidding me?"
she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

 

[tothemax93]

This has been around, but it made me laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhTjifulPB8

 

[Kronx]

A Simple Guide on Men for the Ladies:

If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.

 

[Rollie]

Lottery Winner

 

[Rollie]

That look......

 

[Traumahawk]

Had to Share.

 

[Zeus36]

Q. Do you know how to confuse a Liberal?




A. Use logic.

 

[caseyjones955]

Had to Share.

Thats gold! :rofl_200:

I read about the pussy hats but I had no idea it was actually a big ol' cootch complete with hair! oh man! I cant wait to show this to the wifey when she gets home!

 

[dannymax]

Subject: Super bowl 2017

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl Game in Houston. He has a luxury suite reserved at the stadium, plus airline tickets valid from any US airport, a hotel suite, and tickets to attend two pre-game parties.

However, he somehow failed to realize that the game is scheduled for the same day as his wedding. So he can't go.

If you're interested, and if you’d like to go, instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00 pm. Her name is Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., a good cook and makes $180,000 a year as a stockbroker. She’ll be wearing a white dress.

 

[Redbone]

Subject: Super bowl 2017

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl Game in Houston. He has a luxury suite reserved at the stadium, plus airline tickets valid from any US airport, a hotel suite, and tickets to attend two pre-game parties.

However, he somehow failed to realize that the game is scheduled for the same day as his wedding. So he can't go.

If you're interested, and if you’d like to go, instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00 pm. Her name is Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., a good cook and makes $180,000 a year as a stockbroker. She’ll be wearing a white dress.

Good one BD, I was considering it for a moment but then realized I'd have to get married and miss the super bowl! :biglaugh:

 

[hexec]

Subject: Super bowl 2017

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl Game in Houston. He has a luxury suite reserved at the stadium, plus airline tickets valid from any US airport, a hotel suite, and tickets to attend two pre-game parties.

However, he somehow failed to realize that the game is scheduled for the same day as his wedding. So he can't go.

If you're interested, and if you’d like to go, instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00 pm. Her name is Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs., a good cook and makes $180,000 a year as a stockbroker. She’ll be wearing a white dress.

I'll take her. She doesn't sound too bad at all. With that kind of salary, we can record the game, buy a couple new Vmax's and watch the game later....lol

 

[caseyjones955]

I'll take her. She doesn't sound too bad at all. With that kind of salary, we can record the game, buy a couple new Vmax's and watch the game later....lol

Just remember that she can also afford a mighty fine divorce lawyer :clapping:

 

[dannymax]

Just remember that she can also afford a mighty fine divorce lawyer :clapping:

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200: The 'smart man' will always think along those lines! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Redbone]

Just remember that she can also afford a mighty fine divorce lawyer :clapping:

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200: The 'smart man' will always think along those lines! :rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

Excellent points gentlemen, no sense to risk losing Redbone!

 

[dannymax]

Excellent points gentlemen, no sense to risk losing Redbone!

The current price of milk is such BB, that there's just no need to consider buying the cow! :biglaugh::biglaugh::biglaugh:

 

[Rollie]

The Health Care Debate

The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.​

 

[Kronx]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

 

[effingidiot]

Whats 86 years old and smells of ginger,fred astaires dick.