44 magnum
Well-Known Member
As a former member of our military, I couldn't help but laugh my ass off at this one. Hope you enjoy it as well.
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
1. US Army Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves Area of Operation (AO).
2. US Army Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. US Army Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. US Army Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite (GPS)
coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel and
crew rest. Goes back this time finds snake, locks on target.
5. US Army Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. US Army Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On
Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills
several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and
clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. US Army Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill
other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. US Army Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat
snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. US Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill
Muslim extremist snakes.
10. US Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of
ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake force projection.
11. US Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of
Operations.
12. US Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. USAF Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. USAF Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter
(accidentally, of course), then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. US Army Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. USAF Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake
equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. USAF F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on
aircraft.
18. USAF F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM
East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too
overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover,
etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech
snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and
achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. US Army AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes
don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's
without power lines or SAM's.
20. US Army UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass
after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing
Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. USAF B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. USAF ICBM Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake
in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command
Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. US Army Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four
of 35 indicators of key activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. US Army Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to
bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. US Army Special Operations Aviation (160th): Petitions
USSOCOM for new anti-snake version of the Blackhawk (probably call it
the MH-60X) with a total program cost of $1.7 Billion (FY 00 dollars).
The new simulator for the MH-60X will cost $35 Million (FY 00 dollars),
but will be obsolete by the time initial production versions of the
MH-60X arrive. Time line will slip by several years due to development
problems. Snakes will be extinct by the time the aircraft is delivered
in number.
26. US Army OH-58D Pilot: Pilot sees snake, snake sees pilot.
Snake runs away and leaves pilot in the dust. Pilot declares no joy.
27. US Army CH-47D Pilot: Would pick snake up, but aircraft is
already filled with golf cart, hot tub, three weeks of food stuff for
the crew, "girlfriends" from the cross-country flight destination, and
more parts for those poor Apache "pilots".
Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
1. US Army Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves Area of Operation (AO).
2. US Army Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
3. US Army Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
4. US Army Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite (GPS)
coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel and
crew rest. Goes back this time finds snake, locks on target.
5. US Army Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
6. US Army Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On
Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills
several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is
considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and
clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
7. US Army Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill
other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
8. US Army Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat
snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
9. US Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and
retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill
Muslim extremist snakes.
10. US Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of
ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations
Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of
anti-snake force projection.
11. US Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of
Operations.
12. US Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. USAF Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. USAF Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter
(accidentally, of course), then works feverishly to save snake's life.
15. US Army Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
16. USAF Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake
equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
17. USAF F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind
helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on
aircraft.
18. USAF F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM
East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too
overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover,
etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech
snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and
achieve a revolution in military affairs.
19. US Army AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes
don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's
without power lines or SAM's.
20. US Army UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass
after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing
Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. USAF B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
22. USAF ICBM Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake
in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command
Authority to use nuclear weapons.
23. US Army Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four
of 35 indicators of key activity are currently active. We assess the
potential for snake activity as LOW.
24. US Army Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to
bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
25. US Army Special Operations Aviation (160th): Petitions
USSOCOM for new anti-snake version of the Blackhawk (probably call it
the MH-60X) with a total program cost of $1.7 Billion (FY 00 dollars).
The new simulator for the MH-60X will cost $35 Million (FY 00 dollars),
but will be obsolete by the time initial production versions of the
MH-60X arrive. Time line will slip by several years due to development
problems. Snakes will be extinct by the time the aircraft is delivered
in number.
26. US Army OH-58D Pilot: Pilot sees snake, snake sees pilot.
Snake runs away and leaves pilot in the dust. Pilot declares no joy.
27. US Army CH-47D Pilot: Would pick snake up, but aircraft is
already filled with golf cart, hot tub, three weeks of food stuff for
the crew, "girlfriends" from the cross-country flight destination, and
more parts for those poor Apache "pilots".
unk:and still current military member, LOL, So true. haha:confused2:
