Your post and the replies in this thread from others who have 'been there', stirred a well of emotion in me.
I've been through my version of the same thing and I have some things to offer.
1) While your ex's reply was typically bitchy, she was right. You cannot demand love from anyone, especially your kids. Love has to be freely given. Completely agree with this.
2) Enforcing visitation rights is an error. This is your ego talking to your pain.
If you force your kids to pay attention to you with court orders, you are trying to help yourself, not them. You are taking their time not giving yours. Sort of agree with this. I do agree to giving of my time and not taking of theirs. At the same time children have to learn that life isnt always about what they want, as Coffe Break said " Kids often can't make rational decisions unless presented with valid, rounded viewpoints, and the ex isn't offering that"
That's how your kids will perceive it and it will only take a throw away bitchy line from your ex to plant that impression in their minds permanently.
3) Avoid the courts because only parasitic lawyers benefit from that course of action. We are going to try mediation before courts.
4) What is most important is that your kids understand that you are genuinely interested in them. They do, they really do.
Keep all lines of voluntary communication open to them.
Use MSM, Skype, email, and especially the snail mail to maintain a consistent and predictable rate of contact with them. You can show them that you are reliable, consistent, dependable, interested, supportive and loving by giving them this communication link.
Don't over do it. Sending them a daily is overkill. Once or twice a week (reliably and predictably) is plenty.
5) Let them know what you are doing, sharing plans, thoughts, opinions etc is all good. You can show them who and what you are. I do
6) It?s vital that you ask questions about what they are doing, what plans they have etc. I do
When they tell you, you should think about that and offer your thoughts and impressions of their activities, friendships, sports activity, friends etc because it shows your are interested and that you are listening.
7) Do not turn your communication into therapy for you.
If you are hurting bad, tell the forum or your therapist or your bartender.
Don't dump it on the kids because they have enough of their own stuff to deal with. I dont
It's enough to let them know that you miss them and it would be great to catch up and spend time together when they can.
8) Don't demonize your ex by bad mouthing her. I dont, usually I say good things about her or just refain all together.
If your kids have any kind of closeness to her you will turn them against you by attacking her. You attack her and they will defend her.
9) As unpalatable as it sounds you need to involve your ex in any plans you want to make to spend time with your kids. I do
If you are both involved you cannot be demonized as the spoiler of everything that does not work out.
If she veto?s access to your kids it will be obvious to your kids that it was her decision to veto and not yours.
10) Be a strong adult role model for your kids. I try my best
Your kids do not want to see an insecure, emotionally distraught and inconsistent father.
This scares the hell out of kids.
Children need to know that their parents can cope with tragedy, stress and insecurity.
They need to know that you are solid and dependable when they need it.
Be the man.
11) Don?t expect anything in return. I dont
Unconditional love is what a parent gives.
Children and adolescents are perceptive and sensitive but they are self-absorbed and self-interested.
They are not mature adults and they don?t want to be, so don?t expect it from them.
I understand the pain your are going through right now. I?ve lived through my version of it.
Someone in the forum said it?s like a sledgehammer in the chest. That?s a great way of describing heart-ache.
When a loving father is involuntarily separated from his kids it is like dealing with a death. The loss seems unbearable and unrelenting.
Time will lessen the heart-ache but doing what I?ve just outlined in the eleven points above could well cure it.
Finally, the effort of carrying anger and pain around with you is exhausting. It will rob you of your dreams and aspirations and motivation.
Get on with building a life for your self and show your kids how to deal with your circumstances. They may go through this themselves at some point in their lives and your good example will teach them how to manage it.
Peace brother.
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