The Joke thread!

[dannymax]

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's balls and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." (I love this part) The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

A friend in the super-blue state of California asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his home and family from home invasion, and the like. I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells.

A few days later he sent me this picture (below) and asked me how to make it all work.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Cheech and Chong humor . . .

 

[Miles Long]

MtnMax should like this one.....

Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it discharged and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 bird shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.

" 'Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da' good noos is dat you�e going to be OK. Da' damage vas local to your groin, 'dere was very little internal damage, and I 'vas able to remove all of da' buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

" 'Da bad noos is 'dat 'dere 'vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm gonna' have to refer you to
my sister, Lena.

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon or what?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da' Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new
F-150 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I
wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.
The salesman (a handsome, big black man wearing an Obama "change"
lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the
truck and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the
seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed
cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican
truck.

I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would just
blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership. Guy had no sense of humor.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Honest mistake . . .

 

[Rollie]

New :

ISIS Shotgun Load

 

[sdt354]

LMAO!!!!

Love that third one.
Steve-o

 

[Rollie]

Scary joke here:

http://www.cbn.com/tv/embedplayer.aspx?bcid=1509282970001

 

[Hamkaas]

Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai...
I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her.

She got excited and said: "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said :
666136429

 

[sdt354]

Scary joke here:

http://www.cbn.com/tv/embedplayer.aspx?bcid=1509282970001

Plain and simple "we're taking over". And they will, because no one is seriously trying to stop them. They will be too powerful by the time the rest of the world "gets it". They have a strategy that can't fail, multiple wife's pumping out as many new devils as possible. You'll take the mark or perish. I'll most likely not be here to see it, and I'm glad! Who are they? The link explains it all. God help us.

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

I thought this was the joke thread . . .

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Safe sex

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

If you get an e-mail titled "Nude photo of Hillary Clinton" DON'T OPEN IT!
It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

 

[jfeagins]

Apple does it again!

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s Breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

 

[hexec]

Re: Apple does it again!

Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s Breast implants.
The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

View attachment 52081

If the iBoob is a win-win then mating the iBoob with an iCock microphone you have a iKaraoke. Now thats a winnnn-winnnn-waaaa.

 

[Buster Hymen]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies,

"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to

his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on

the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is...Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear,
"That's because it takes place in the future... "

 

[MtnMax/Magniac]

Peace . . .

 

[Geordie]

A man who took airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case