The Joke thread!

[allisontech]

An elderly couple are traveling very fast on the interstate,and get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up to the car and notices the gentleman is not wearing his seat belt, "the trooper tells the driver, this state has a mandatory seat belt law". I took my seat belt off to reach for my insurance papers,was the drivers response. The drivers wife without looking, leans forward and say's "He's lying,he never wears his seat belt" and sits back in her seat.

The trooper explains to the driver he was driving 85 mph and the speed limit was 65mph.

"That's impossible say's the driver, I never drive over 55 mph!" And again his wife leans forward without looking and say's "He's lying,he always drives very fast"

Harry now very aggravated at his wife shouts, "Ethel shut the hell up!"

The trooper asks Ethel, "Does he always shout at you this way?"

Ethel again leans forward without looking and say's "Only when he's been drinking!"

Poor Harry

 

[hexec]

GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.​

 

[Jack Butler]

When I was in my early twenties, I took a train to Vancouver from Ottawa. I had just started drinking, so of course the first stop on the train was the bar car. Gin and Gini if I recall.

An older but cute woman sat next to me, and we struck up a conversation. She was really nice. The hours slipped away.
Soon the conductor came around and told us that the bar was closing, and we should get to our berths. Damn...I didn't have a place yet!.

The train was full, and there was only one double bunk left, but if one of us wanted, we could recline a seat in the obsevation deck for the night with a pillow and blanket.

"Well we're both adults" she says. "We can share a berth, and you can even have the top bunk if you want".

So off we stumble to the berth. She goes behind the curtain and puts on her PJs and crawls into the bottom bunk. I hop up in the top bunk and shinny off my pants.

After a few minutes I lean over and say "Um...agh...It's...kinda...um...cold in here....would you mind...um....passing me up that spare blanket?"

"I've got a better idea" she says in a sultry bedroom voice. "Let's pretend we're married."

My heart starts to race...I can feel the pulse pounding in my ears. I'm thinkin' "Pretend we're married?....Yeah baby!"...so I say "OK". My heart was filled with anticipation.

But then I hear....

"Get your own frikkin' blanket!"
​

 

[88vmx12]

where do cousins come from?.................................. Ant (Aunt) holes! duh~


still killing myself after all these years LOL G

 

[maleko89]

Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[allisontech]

Shoulda bought a hat!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "That's a good one"

:rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200::rofl_200:

 

[Slacker]

Well, chit. See below.

 

[Slacker]

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.​

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.











​

 

[gamorg02]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0wq6bCiuLo&feature=player_embedded

 

[RaWarrior]

Midas prank call...

Clicky

 

[Blackjack]

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!


Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier

 

[davidon]

A man was walking down the street

when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking, homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks? exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

 

[maleko89]

Never question a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of baconAs I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly

 

[gamorg02]

Never question a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of baconAs I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly

haha one of my all time favorites!!

http://www.vmaxforum.net/showpost.php?p=54005&postcount=54

 

[maleko89]

Doh, I thought I heard that before!

 

[gamorg02]

haha all good mark!

 

[dannymax]

Doh, I thought I heard that before!

:rofl_200: No matter Mark....it's always good for a laugh!! :rofl_200:

 

[maleko89]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number? and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'


--

 

[Blackjack]

While I was flying down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the speed limit,) I passed under a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait. He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?” To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah" said the policeman, what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher, I responded. The policeman stammered, "A what"? A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

Well, I said, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide".

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied!

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on his face: PRICELESS

 

[Blackjack]

Thibodeaux had 50 yard line tickets for the Sugar Bowl.

As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "Mais, no", says Thibodeaux, "Dat seat be empty, yeah." "That's incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Sugar Bowl, the biggest sporting event of the year for LSU, the SEC champions, the first time since 1987 they make it to the Sugar Bowl, and then not use it?" Thibodeaux says, "Dat seat belong wit me, yeah. I wuz comin' wit my wife, but she done pass on. Dis de first LSU football game we didn't came wit each udder since we bin married in 1960." "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else---a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? Thibodeaux shakes his head sadly.

"No, dey all at de funeral."