The Joke thread!

[maleko89]

Down south, Neil called his attorney and asked, "Is

It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Neil, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer

makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers

an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"j
"Sure is, Neil."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was

gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he

Gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin...

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all

them ugly women I slept with?"

Disclaimer: The characters above are fictional.

 

[dannymax]

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban
Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues,
Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of
convenience store managers, and possible candidates for
President of the United States. And if this action does not
yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed
by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6
managers.

It's getting ugly folks. :rofl_200:

dan

 

[Redbone]

Spiders in the garden

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'

 

[Redbone]

NSFW Those clever Canadians!

Darned clever, these Canadians!

PerhapsAmerica and Europe should consider changing their
currencies too.

Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their
finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting


The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped this will have a positive effect on tourism.

Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman, those Canadians always find the solution! Must be the pure water up there in the North.

 

[Redbone]

Here is a link to a stunt four friends, along with the local tv station, pulled on April 1st of this year:
http://www.9and10news.com/category/story?id=132547
Click the "play video" to watch the fun!

 

[maleko89]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a baseball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man- 'How Much??'
Boy - '$150.'
Man - 'Sold.'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.


Boy - 'Dark in here'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a Wilson infielder's glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$350'
Man - 'Highway robbery. Sold.'
A few days later, the father says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and my glove.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
The boy says, '$500.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge
your friends like that...that's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again, you're in
my closet now.'

 

[Redbone]

*When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by
the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example
of empire building by George Bush.
*
*He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many
of its fine young me n and wo me n into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in
return is enough to bury those that did not return.
*
*It beca me very quiet in the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and A me rican. During a
break one of the French engineers ca me back into the room saying 'Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended
to do, bomb them?'
*
*A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have
three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply e me rgency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three me als a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from
their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France
have?'
*
*Once again, dead silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French
navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large
group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a
French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many
languages, A me ricans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?'
*
*Without hesitating, the A me rican Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and A me ricans arranged it so you wouldn't
have to speak German.'
*
*You could have heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE
*
*A group of A me ricans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a
tour. Rob ert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by
plane.
*
*At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer
asked sarcastically.
*
*Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
*
*"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
*
*The A me rican said, "The last ti me I was here, I didn't have to show
it."
*
*"Impossible. A me ricans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France !"
*
*The A me rican senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. "Well, when I ca me ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
'44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any French me n to show

 

[vmaxinID]

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

& Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

 

[Max01red]

What is the differance between a paycheck and a penus???



























you never have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.....

 

[dannymax]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
KENTUCKY GENTLEMAN are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever
fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine
, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Kentuckian says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Kentuckian sits down on his V Max, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,
smiles and says,


'Fill it with water.'

 

[Max01red]

A man asks his wife, "why don't you ever tell me when your having an orgasm?"
To which she answers ":You know I don't like bothering you while your at work.":rofl_200:

 

[dannymax]

My Lucky Night

I ended up with an older woman at the club bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit and then she asked, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?'

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and my mind began to embrace the idea. I said, 'No I haven't had a mother and daughter threesome.'

We drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky night.'

We drove to her place. We walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?' :bang head:

 

[maleko89]

Ole had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Ole stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Sven just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'It's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?'

Grandma looked deeply into Ole's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass'.

 

[Neil-3446]

A Leprechaun walks into a New York bar.

He keeps bragging all night to customers and the bartender that he can whistle classic Irish tunes out of his asshole.

"I bet anyone I can whistle a merry tune out my arse if ye' buy me a tanker of ye' finest ale first" he keeps saying all night.

Finally after hours of hearing this the bartender says "I'll take that bet if you'll just STFU! You have to whistle a tune and not just pass gas!" the bartender said.

Happily the leprechaun accepts the bet and the bartender gives him a large tanker full of their finest ale on tap.

The leprechaun immediately downs the ale and hops up in the middle of the bar, pulls his pants down, squats, and begins to groan.

By this time everyone in the bar has gathered around to see what the leprechaun is about to whistle.

Seconds later to everyones horror, they realize that the leprechaun is taking the nastiest huge crap ever, right in the middle of the bar!

"WTF are you doing????" the bartender screams!!!

"Just clearing me throat, you can't expect me to whistle a tune without clearing me throat!" the leprechaun says.

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

[Neil-3446]

Okay....

In the famous words of the late Henny Youngman

Q: What is the difference in a female high school track team & a group of circus midgets??

A: Circus midgets are cunning little runts :biglaugh:

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

[dannymax]

A Mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a V Max when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $49,000 a year, and you get the really big bucks ($1,696,000) when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist smiled, leaned over and whispered........



'Try doing it with the engine running!' :biglaugh:

 

[RagingMain]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

 

[texmax]

?

 

[maleko89]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want.
You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in
a puzzled tone he asks her.... 'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

 

[dannymax]

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in the words 'illegal immigrants' and add a few more letters, it spells out:

'Fuck off and go home you hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making,
benefit grabbing, goat fucking, smelly, rag head bastards'

How weird is that ??